senior year. somehow through the years i’ve slid by with a mentality that says oh i’ll do that later… later is going to come and go. things I want to say, people I want to share Christ’s love with, relationships that need work…. time is running out. every year feels shorter than the last, in less than one, most of us will be going our separate ways to begin the next chapter of our lives.

How will they remember me? Will they remember me? Have I made a positive impact, a negative impact, or none at all?

If it was ever time to go deep, drive conversations to the hard stuff, really radiate Christ and shred the gnar, the time is now. No more procrastinating, no more “just chilling” and doing nothing in relationships. Time to get real, time to wake up.

It’s crunch time.

This has no epiphany. No climax. No turning-on-the-light-bulb. No fervor or passion or zeal.

You see, as we as Christ-followers grow, and learn to be more like Christ, we’re supposed to have the “minds of Christ.” As we grow closer to God, more and more we start seeing things from His perspective, start thinking more how He thinks, start feeling more how He feels. This is a good thing. It’s growth. It’s the road to wisdom, maturity, spiritual leadership, impact, and love.

But if we start feeling more as Christ feels,.. what about what breaks God’s heart?
A lot breaks God’s heart. This goes beyond JUST the lost who need redemption. This is Christians falling prey to satan’s schemes to stop them from being effective witnesses and servants. This is every time we sin, everytime we compromise, everytime we desire something else more than God. We are the Bride of Christ, but sometimes instead of serving Him, we spit in His face — He died while we were killing Him!
This breaks His heart. But His love, grace, mercy, power, and justice overcome.

Yet…
As I grow, my heart breaks more and more for what breaks God’s heart.
Well… more than it used to.
Many would congradulate me and tell me that this is good– that this is a sign of spiritual maturity and growth.

…but it doesn’t feel good. Being heartbroken is not fun. It sucks.
And somehow it doesn’t always spur me on to try and make a difference. I mean, at times it does. But other times it’s just depressing.
This is not all of a sudden, but a progression over years that seems to be accellerating.

Sometimes I feel like I’m not making an impact, that the world is so wrapped up in satan’s infinite webs of lies and deception that they’ll never see the Truth and love awaiting them in their state of hopelessness.

“Break my heart for what breaks Yours..” Starfield sings.
Compassion – means “to suffer with.”

I have no clincher. No stinger to end this blog with.
I have no break-through, positive final paragraph of conviction.

Just this:
‘I have found David son of Jesse a man after my own heart; he will do everything I want him to do.’ [Acts 13:22b]
…is this what is meant by a “man after God’s own heart?”
Heartbroken.

So I wrote about intimacy before… our need for it, how in this world we so often search for it in the wrong places, how only God can provide true intimacy that all humans were created to long for….
Well. I knew the right words. I knew all the right stuff in my head. But its totally different to actually experience this sort of intimacy, and when I wrote that blog, I wasn’t. or at least, not in a very deep way. Just mildly and occaisionally intimate with God, but more often filling my mind with other things like friends and activities, still struggling every so often with sin.

But then some things changed. First, I was reading The Circle series by Ted Dekker, and was fascinated by his interpretation of “The Great Romance,” reflecting God’s relationship with us with Elyon in his future world. I also had a friend that suddenly began to learn how amazing close intimacy with God is, and kept going on about it, and I was surprised and intrigued…
Soon these began to rub off on me. I called God my Savior, Protector, Counselor, King, Friend… but.. Lover?

Yes.
I mean. Of course. “But God so LOVED..”
We, each human that trusts in Him and finds new, eternal Life through Christ’s death and resurrection is part of the Church, the Bride of Christ. This is about a wedding!

Sounds strange to many at first. Especially guys, because we refer to God as a “He” so often, when He really has no gender. And being “in love with Him” sounds very awkward.
And beyond that, it sounds strange to all because our ideas of romance are so twisted by the World, by the forces of darkness in the World, and even more by our western culture.

But this love, this romance, this intimacy, is like nothing we can possibly know on Earth. We live in our flesh, almost controlled by chemicals… from hormones, testosterone, hunger, eating, sleeping, masturbating, alcohol, smoking, medications, exercise, adrenaline, physical or emotional pain, depression, emotions…. it’s all from chemicals!
But God tells us to forsake the flesh.
and let me tell you, this love of God’s is NOT like any love, romance, or intimacy found in the flesh. It’s spiritual, and knows no boundaries.

For many years when I would think of God’s amazing love, I would immediatly think of Jesus’ sacrifice on the cross. The physical, emotional, and spiritual torment He went through for me. And it is incredible, we can’t fathom it.
And yet..YET. I have been learning that God’s love doesn’t end at the cross… nor the empty tomb. His love is still at work. He desires to be with us, to be close to us.

Our God is a jealous God the Bible says, and as I began to be drawn closer to God and discovering new things about this Great Romance, I suddenly see how often I “cheat” on Him. With many other lovers… television, lust, quarreling, my self, music… are some “lovers” I’ve cheated on God with to name a few. Idolotry is, I think, the most difficult sin to struggle with… yet, when we are rid of it, the rewards are incredible, as we grow closer and more intimate with God.

But why “Epic”?

This love is nothing new. From the beginning of creation everything… and I mean EVERYTHING has revolved around this Great Romance. This wedding. God’s relationship with us.
I am nerd. I love to study how the world works through science, I am intrigued by history. From the molecular to the galaxies, from the beginning of history, when your eyes are opened you connect the dots and see how it all fits, it all revolves around… us. Me! You! God’s love for us, and our love for Him.
How significant we are! The jealousy of all the creatures in Heaven!
….yet we deserve insignificance. Death. Our rebellion against God, rallied on by Satan and his minions, destroyed the romance, the intimacy…
But it’s part of the plan — a rescue! Amazing Grace!
From the beginning of history… God’s covenant with Adam, Noah, Abraham, Moses, David… fulfilled through Jesus, the Messiah, and renewed with the new covenant in His blood. A covenant, a promise, of God’s presence for our blamelessness, made available through Christ’s sacrifice…

oh the wonder of it all!

It’s easy to read the Bible like a history book or a book of advice on how to live, an account of Jesus’ life, and hope for the future.
But it’s so much more. Some call it a big love letter. But I wouldn’t use that phrase.
I’d call it the ultimate love epic story, with a great battle between good and evil, of love without boundaries and the ultimate sacrifice, of God’s pursuit of people and our returning to Him, finding an intimate Father, Savior, and Lover like nothing we can comprehend. of living and dying to serve God, with wars raging over minds and souls.
And the ending? The Bible says that everything — the world, the forces of darkness, will all be crushed under Christ’s foot in the final destruction of death itself.

Does it get any more epic than reality itself?

Don’t get into the routines and the busy-ness of life and forget the epic jouney we are a part of.
I used to think keeping an eternal perspective meant letting go of things that are earthly and not eternal and living like Jesus could take me home any minute.
But that’s just part of it.
Keeping an eternal perspective is seeing the grand plan, the epic rescue story, even though God’s masterpiece rug looks like chaos looking up at it’s bottom, knowing that on the top of the rug God see’s His masterpiece unfolding beautifully.

The intimacy with God available through this epic love is… well epic too! I can’t really describe it. But the more intimate you are with God, the less temptation feels, the easier the battle for the mind is, and the easier it is to behave in a Christ-like way. You begin to let go of things of this world and what people think and start caring more about serving and praying and worshipping and witnessing.

If you read this, I hope you can discover what I’m only beginning to discover. Be nerdy and dive into science, the Bible, and prayer. See His creation, His plan, and trust.
If there’s anything that is key letting go to become more intimate with God, it’s trusting Him. with any and every situation, with your future, with your plans, with your desires.
You have to trust. He won’t let you down.
He’s too epic for that.

We saw a great deal. We began with 3 days in Rome seeing archeaological sites and famous places, and toured the vatican. Then we drove to Sorrento in the Bay of Naples, and stayed there and drove to the excavation of Pompeii and the museum in Naples. After that we drove across Italy and took a ferry overnight to Greece. We spent two days driving across the Peloponese seeing places like Olympia, the big ancient greek theatre, and the ruins of the Mycenian Kingdom, stopping in Tolo to spend the night. Then reached Athens and boarded a cruiseship, from which we spent 4 days in the Aegean, visiting Myconos, Kusadasi (and ancient Ephesus), Patmos, Rhodes, Crete, and Santorini. I went on a number of shore excursions, seeing ancient Ephesus, the Monostary of St. John and the grotto of the apocolypse in Patmos, Elli beach on Rhodes, the Minoan ruins on Crete, and climbed the volcano on Santorini. The trip ended in Athens, seeing the theatre (of Dionisis?), the Pantheon, Mar’s Hill, etc.

It was incredible to see all these places, some being the foundations of western civilizations, others mysterious ancient kingdoms that have passed into history, others amazing art and architecture, and many places that apostles and the early church wrote about in the New Testament.

—————————–

I have a number of new topics to blog about. and need to finish a number of those unfinished ones i spoke of before. It’s summer, so I will probably have more time to do these.

——————————————————
——————————————————
——————————————————

INTIMACY – Thirsting After His Presence
What is intimacy? Why is it important?
Intimacy is critical for humans – God created us for relationships; a relationship with Him, and with other people, because He is a relational god.
Intimacy is essential – we were created with a desire for intimacy.

Psalm 63 : 1-8

A psalm of David. When he was in the Desert of Judah.
1 O God, you are my God,
earnestly I seek you;
my soul thirsts for you,
my body longs for you,
in a dry and weary land
where there is no water.
2 I have seen you in the sanctuary
and beheld your power and your glory.
3 Because your love is better than life,
my lips will glorify you.
4 I will praise you as long as I live,
and in your name I will lift up my hands.
5 My soul will be satisfied as with the richest of foods;
with singing lips my mouth will praise you.
6 On my bed I remember you;
I think of you through the watches of the night.
7 Because you are my help,
I sing in the shadow of your wings.
8 My soul clings to you;
your right hand upholds me.

BACKGROUND:
(also see 2 Samuel 15 and surrounding chapters)

David is hiding in the wilderness from his son, Absolom, who is trying to Kill David and take the throne.
Broken family relationships, yet he runs to God’s arms in the wilderness south of Judah.
He focuses not on his current circumstances, but on God’s attributes (God’s faithfulness, love, power, plan) and past displays of said attributes.
He wanted God more than life (verse 3 ) – and all the beautiful gifts of life.
If we settle to love these gifts, and not the Giver, then we are idolaters. –Have you been more focused on gifts in life than on God?
If life were a paradise instead of a wilderness, then we would be enchanted to the gifts, instead of the Giver. “It’s harder for a rich man to enter the Kingdom of Heaven than for a camel to crawl through the eye of a needle.”

Are we so comfortable, with all our money (parents), technology, and high standard of living that we take God’s gifts for granted, and aren’t forced to trust Him through trials?

What happened later – Absolom’s death. David grieves deeply, crying “My son! My son!” even though Absolom was trying to kill David…

———————–

INTIMACY
How does the world pursue intimacy?
1. People
Family, friends, romantic relationships, etc
2. Possessions
Materialism, Money, Technological “toys,” Cars,…
3. Pleasure
Food, Sexual, Emotional, Physical/Chemical,…
4. Power
Authority, honor, rank in career/job/academics, etc…
5. Prestige
Status – Popularity, acceptance, importance, legacy,…

Can these bring true intimacy? True intimacy is only found in our Creator, who created us for an intimate relationship with Him.

What results when we try to satisfy the need for intimacy with something other than God? –Idolatry. Sin, and what happens when we sin? We are not tight with God, and hardship and consequence results.

What happens when we do run to Him, thirst for Him, and pour ourselves out to God, truly satisfying our need for intimacy?

“My soul clings to you; your right hand upholds me.”
We gain peace, experience His amazing love, and find comfort through any trials we may be experiencing in life. He upholds us.

———————

Applications
Are you running to things of the world instead of God to satisfy the desire for intimacy?

i. Comfort
ii. Romance
iii. Acceptance/Appearance
iv. Money/Material Things
v. Academic/Financial Success
vi. Sexual Immorality
vii. Substance Abuse
viii. Other?

Are we so comfortable in America, and in Rochester, where for most, life is almost like a paradise, with a high standard of living, comfort, materials, money, food, and resources that we no longer have to rely on God and no longer thirst for His presence?

Many struggle through the last stretch of school, when many projects are due, many large tests take place, courses are at their most difficult chapters/units, and finals are just around the corner. Are you going through trials of your own right now, and need to depend on God, trust Him, and draw your strength from Him?

Run to the arms of Jesus. Every morning, every evening. Learn to depend on Him, for we cannot do anything on our own. Learn to trust Him, even when things don’t make sense to us.

———————————————–
a couple songs…

“Hungry”

Hungry, I come to you
For I know You satisfy
I am empty, but I know
Your love does not run dry

Broken, I run to You
For Your arms are open wide
I am weary, but I know
Your touch restores my life

So I wait for you
So I wait for You
I’m falling on my knees
Offering all of me
Jesus, You’re all this heart is living for

“Made Me Glad” – Hillsong

I will bless the Lord forever
I will trust Him at all times
He has delivered me from all fear
He has set my feet upon a rock
I will not be moved
And I’ll say of the Lord

You are my Shield, my Strength
My Portion Deliverer
My Shelter, Strong tower
My very present help in time of need

Whom have I in heaven but You
There’s none I desire beside You
You have made me glad
And I’ll say of the Lord

You are my Shield, my Strength
My Portion Deliverer
My Shelter, Strong tower
My very present help in time of need

peace.

—————————————-

2 Kings 21
The Book of the Law Found

1 Josiah was eight years old when he became king, and he reigned in Jerusalem thirty-one years. His mother’s name was Jedidah daughter of Adaiah; she was from Bozkath. 2 He did what was right in the eyes of the LORD and walked in all the ways of his father David, not turning aside to the right or to the left.
3 In the eighteenth year of his reign, King Josiah sent the secretary, Shaphan son of Azaliah, the son of Meshullam, to the temple of the LORD. He said: 4 “Go up to Hilkiah the high priest and have him get ready the money that has been brought into the temple of the LORD, which the doorkeepers have collected from the people. 5 Have them entrust it to the men appointed to supervise the work on the temple. And have these men pay the workers who repair the temple of the LORD – 6 the carpenters, the builders and the masons. Also have them purchase timber and dressed stone to repair the temple. 7 But they need not account for the money entrusted to them, because they are acting faithfully.”

8 Hilkiah the high priest said to Shaphan the secretary, “I have found the Book of the Law in the temple of the LORD.” He gave it to Shaphan, who read it. 9 Then Shaphan the secretary went to the king and reported to him: “Your officials have paid out the money that was in the temple of the LORD and have entrusted it to the workers and supervisors at the temple.” 10 Then Shaphan the secretary informed the king, “Hilkiah the priest has given me a book.” And Shaphan read from it in the presence of the king.

11 When the king heard the words of the Book of the Law, he tore his robes. 12 He gave these orders to Hilkiah the priest, Ahikam son of Shaphan, Acbor son of Micaiah, Shaphan the secretary and Asaiah the king’s attendant: 13 “Go and inquire of the LORD for me and for the people and for all Judah about what is written in this book that has been found. Great is the LORD’s anger that burns against us because our fathers have not obeyed the words of this book; they have not acted in accordance with all that is written there concerning us.”

14 Hilkiah the priest, Ahikam, Acbor, Shaphan and Asaiah went to speak to the prophetess Huldah, who was the wife of Shallum son of Tikvah, the son of Harhas, keeper of the wardrobe. She lived in Jerusalem, in the Second District.

15 She said to them, “This is what the LORD, the God of Israel, says: Tell the man who sent you to me, 16 ‘This is what the LORD says: I am going to bring disaster on this place and its people, according to everything written in the book the king of Judah has read. 17 Because they have forsaken me and burned incense to other gods and provoked me to anger by all the idols their hands have made, [a] my anger will burn against this place and will not be quenched.’ 18 Tell the king of Judah, who sent you to inquire of the LORD, ‘This is what the LORD, the God of Israel, says concerning the words you heard: 19 Because your heart was responsive and you humbled yourself before the LORD when you heard what I have spoken against this place and its people, that they would become accursed and laid waste, and because you tore your robes and wept in my presence, I have heard you, declares the LORD. 20 Therefore I will gather you to your fathers, and you will be buried in peace. Your eyes will not see all the disaster I am going to bring on this place.’ “
So they took her answer back to the king.

2 Kings 23
Josiah Renews the Covenant

1 Then the king called together all the elders of Judah and Jerusalem. 2 He went up to the temple of the LORD with the men of Judah, the people of Jerusalem, the priests and the prophets—all the people from the least to the greatest. He read in their hearing all the words of the Book of the Covenant, which had been found in the temple of the LORD. 3 The king stood by the pillar and renewed the covenant in the presence of the LORD -to follow the LORD and keep his commands, regulations and decrees with all his heart and all his soul, thus confirming the words of the covenant written in this book. Then all the people pledged themselves to the covenant.
4 The king ordered Hilkiah the high priest, the priests next in rank and the doorkeepers to remove from the temple of the LORD all the articles made for Baal and Asherah and all the starry hosts. He burned them outside Jerusalem in the fields of the Kidron Valley and took the ashes to Bethel. 5 He did away with the pagan priests appointed by the kings of Judah to burn incense on the high places of the towns of Judah and on those around Jerusalem—those who burned incense to Baal, to the sun and moon, to the constellations and to all the starry hosts. 6 He took the Asherah pole from the temple of the LORD to the Kidron Valley outside Jerusalem and burned it there. He ground it to powder and scattered the dust over the graves of the common people. 7 He also tore down the quarters of the male shrine prostitutes, which were in the temple of the LORD and where women did weaving for Asherah.

8 Josiah brought all the priests from the towns of Judah and desecrated the high places, from Geba to Beersheba, where the priests had burned incense. He broke down the shrines [a] at the gates—at the entrance to the Gate of Joshua, the city governor, which is on the left of the city gate. 9 Although the priests of the high places did not serve at the altar of the LORD in Jerusalem, they ate unleavened bread with their fellow priests.

10 He desecrated Topheth, which was in the Valley of Ben Hinnom, so no one could use it to sacrifice his son or daughter in [b] the fire to Molech. 11 He removed from the entrance to the temple of the LORD the horses that the kings of Judah had dedicated to the sun. They were in the court near the room of an official named Nathan-Melech. Josiah then burned the chariots dedicated to the sun.

12 He pulled down the altars the kings of Judah had erected on the roof near the upper room of Ahaz, and the altars Manasseh had built in the two courts of the temple of the LORD. He removed them from there, smashed them to pieces and threw the rubble into the Kidron Valley. 13 The king also desecrated the high places that were east of Jerusalem on the south of the Hill of Corruption—the ones Solomon king of Israel had built for Ashtoreth the vile goddess of the Sidonians, for Chemosh the vile god of Moab, and for Molech [c] the detestable god of the people of Ammon. 14 Josiah smashed the sacred stones and cut down the Asherah poles and covered the sites with human bones.

15 Even the altar at Bethel, the high place made by Jeroboam son of Nebat, who had caused Israel to sin—even that altar and high place he demolished. He burned the high place and ground it to powder, and burned the Asherah pole also. 16 Then Josiah looked around, and when he saw the tombs that were there on the hillside, he had the bones removed from them and burned on the altar to defile it, in accordance with the word of the LORD proclaimed by the man of God who foretold these things.

17 The king asked, “What is that tombstone I see?”
The men of the city said, “It marks the tomb of the man of God who came from Judah and pronounced against the altar of Bethel the very things you have done to it.”

18 “Leave it alone,” he said. “Don’t let anyone disturb his bones.” So they spared his bones and those of the prophet who had come from Samaria.

19 Just as he had done at Bethel, Josiah removed and defiled all the shrines at the high places that the kings of Israel had built in the towns of Samaria that had provoked the LORD to anger. 20 Josiah slaughtered all the priests of those high places on the altars and burned human bones on them. Then he went back to Jerusalem.

21 The king gave this order to all the people: “Celebrate the Passover to the LORD your God, as it is written in this Book of the Covenant.” 22 Not since the days of the judges who led Israel, nor throughout the days of the kings of Israel and the kings of Judah, had any such Passover been observed. 23 But in the eighteenth year of King Josiah, this Passover was celebrated to the LORD in Jerusalem.

24 Furthermore, Josiah got rid of the mediums and spiritists, the household gods, the idols and all the other detestable things seen in Judah and Jerusalem. This he did to fulfill the requirements of the law written in the book that Hilkiah the priest had discovered in the temple of the LORD. 25 Neither before nor after Josiah was there a king like him who turned to the LORD as he did—with all his heart and with all his soul and with all his strength, in accordance with all the Law of Moses.

26 Nevertheless, the LORD did not turn away from the heat of his fierce anger, which burned against Judah because of all that Manasseh had done to provoke him to anger. 27 So the LORD said, “I will remove Judah also from my presence as I removed Israel, and I will reject Jerusalem, the city I chose, and this temple, about which I said, ‘There shall my Name be.’ [d] ”

28 As for the other events of Josiah’s reign, and all he did, are they not written in the book of the annals of the kings of Judah?

29 While Josiah was king, Pharaoh Neco king of Egypt went up to the Euphrates River to help the king of Assyria. King Josiah marched out to meet him in battle, but Neco faced him and killed him at Megiddo. 30 Josiah’s servants brought his body in a chariot from Megiddo to Jerusalem and buried him in his own tomb. And the people of the land took Jehoahaz son of Josiah and anointed him and made him king in place of his father.

_________________________________

In a world full of evil, deception, and worldly practices, Josiah, at about my age, chose to stand up and renew the covenant with God. In a long line of evil kings he was a beam of light. He fought against the world of evil, idols, immorality, that had turned away from the Lord.
He was a teenager like me!
He was probably the most influential teenager in the whole Bible. “He did what was right in the eyes of the LORD and walked in all the ways of his father David, not turning aside to the right or to the left.”
He pursued the Lord and followed him with his whole heart and soul.

Oh how I long to follow his example, be a leader, follow God even when His own people turn away to worldly things. I want to inspire those around me to follow God and give everything to Him too.
Josiah shows that this is achievable — even as an adolescant, God has awesome plans for us if we choose to follow Him.

Eventually Josiah died fighting against this wolrd of deception and evil, in a duel with Pharoh Neco of Egypt. I want to go down like that — I want to finish strong, following God and rebelling against the darkness, lies, and brokenness of this fallen world. I want to go hard or go home. I want to shred the gnar. I want to bring back scripture and allow it to move me into action. I want not to care about what the world thinks. I want to burn out bright.

This is what the Lord has been teaching me lately.

My personal weaknesses have caught up with me again, and I hurt people, including my best friend, and they returned the favor.
This conflict has been resolved, though my trust was slightly shaken in the way things were handled in the beginning, we have all moved on.

But this is not the point of this entry, that’s another little story.

Through some recent events I’ve come to better understand myself. You see, my worst weaknesses are these
1) I like to fix problems. And sometimes I try to fix problems that aren’t mine to fix — other people’s problems in this case. When this happens, it’s almost always those I’m very close to, so when things blow up in my face, it’s the people I love most that I hurt and that hurt me, which sucks. My problem is one that nearly all people struggle with — not trusting God, and rather taking things into our own hands. In my case, it’s pointing out the problems of those closest to me and showing them what I think they ought to be doing. But conviction is God’s job, and in this way I’m trying to do God’s job, which never ends well. This has been going on since i was a little kid, and I’ve improved, but sometimes I forget about it, and it creeps back in like some sort of poison. People respond thinking that I’m judging them, when I have no intent to condemn, rather it’s root is in loving them and caring, but going about it totally the wrong way. And when you go about something the wrong way, the original intentions don’t really matter, what’s done is done.
2) I justify. Over justify. [insert superlative of over justifying]. I always want to defend my every choice, word, and action to show that they were rational things to do. This is fine to an extent, but when you’re wrong, or you do something wrong, it can become a very bad thing, this justification, and can simply pour gasoline on the fire. I’ve been working on this too, and have successfully fought the need to rationalize and accepted guilt, being wrong, and my absolute dependence on God. But unless I continually keep this habit in check, it too creeps back in.

A lot of this boils down to trusting God. Trusting him with my body, with my relationships, with my time, with my money, with my resources, with my talents, with my choices, and with my safety.
I’m very inconsistent in the trusting department. VERY inconsistent. I’ve trusted God with really hard things before, and chosen not to trust him with really silly things. I mean, I’m all over the board, depending when you look in my life.
This is not good. My pastor coined it the “Hagar Syndrome” — taking matters into your own hands because you don’t trust God. That’s exactly what I do sometimes, and it tells God that he’s unable or unwilling; that I can do things better than him. And that’s not true at all.

—————————-

Well the side story previously mentioned involved the height of both of these chronic bad habits simultaneously exploding, and it wasn’t pretty. In the end I had hurt others feelings and made them angry, my car was vandalized, a few of my best friends lied to me, and my spiritual accountability group was nearly torn apart. It was not cool.
But as the holy spirit convicts, we’ve all been able to admit our faults in it all and seek forgiveness and reconciliation.

But back to the point.
Looking back on this I see how pivitol this point in my life is.

Because God has given me gifts — personality traits that, when in sync with God’s plan, can produce awesome fruit. But those same gifts, when used apart from God, can cause drama, pain, and destruction of relationships.
But fighting pride doesn’t mean that I sit under a rock, totally uninvolved in the lives of those around me, sitting and repeating “I’m nothing without you, Jesus.” Although true, there is a world full of lost people, decieved people, dormant christians, brokenness, temptation, and confusion.
Having the resources, knowledge, relationship with Christ, and calling from God, I have a responsibility to reach out, point to Truth, and build relationships… through servant leadership.

I walk a thin line. A line between being uneffective, not reaching the lost, not proclaiming Truth, not radiating the radical love of Jesus; and being so fervously caught up in revolution and getting everyone to seek Christ whole-heartedly that I become preachy, appear judging, and start blowing up the balloon labeled “Pride.”
The only to walk this line between obsessive and passive is through God’s love and wisdom. The goal is to be open to others, without telling them what to do. I have to communicate love and acceptance, and stay available to those who are convicted by the spirit and do choose to ask for help. This takes great wisdom, to make wise decisions in each circumstance, and great trust, as mentioned before, in his plan, his promises, and his time. It takes patience with people struggling with things that you so wish to slap them in the face about, but instead just stay there with them and let God show them.

So pray for me. That I can continually seek wisdom and express God’s love effectively and appropriately. This will make or break me as a leader, as a friend, as a son, as a husband, as a father, as a student, as a co-worker, and as a Christ-follower.

——————–

Along with this comes this battle for my mind, that I so often speak of. This war raging within all of us between good and evil. It’s always there, but it’s very winnable through Jesus. He is the way; follow him towards life, peace and joy through hardships and pain. He is the Truth; seek him and you will see be able to see satan’s lies all around us for what they are and find freedom from them. He is the life; my savior.
But this battle rages on all the same, and when life isn’t going that well I break. My defenses are lowered and I give into temptation, laziness, anger, disrespect…. and sin against myself, others, and God.

And what is sin? Originally meaning “to miss the mark,” it goes farther. It’s rebellion against God at its core. It’s a power struggle, over who has the authority and who’s calling the shots — me, or God. It goes beyond breaking a set of rules — the ten commandments are a set of symptoms of the disease.
“Sin’s so bad, it’s a liar
It says we on the throne, tells God to retire.
It says He ain’t enough, and it says we want more,
It says He ain’t just, it says He ain’t Lord.
Sin is the laugh at His power, the rape of His mercy,
The mock of His patience, it says He ain’t worthy.” [Lecrae-"Live Free"]
And the Bible says that if you thought it, you might as well have done it in God’s eyes — hence the battle for the mind.

I need to be winning these battles more.
Satan’s building strongholds within me that I have to tear down, and I need prayer and support; I can’t do this myself, but must stay dedicated to it, and always depend on God.

——————————-

And as I continue through Lent, a time of reflection on Jesus’ sacrifice, I learn afresh each day as I read “Reliving the Passion” by Walter Wangerin, Jr (the book is AMAZING–read it many times, it WILL impact you), I see anew how incredible Jesus’ passion is, how great a paradox he is. In so many ways, if I were to go into all of them it would triple the length of this already lengthy blog entry.
Many of these have been directly relating to my present situations, lessons and struggles.
I felt abandoned. But even though everyone, including me, abandoned Jesus, he never abandons me.
He hushed people who wanted to give him attention for healing them, and waited till he was betrayed, alone, and on trial to proclaim to the world that he is the Christ, the Messiah. King of kings. As he is laughed at, spat on, beaten, whipped, hung, condemned by his Father, who turned away in disgust.
I spat in his face. I hung him.
I laughed at his power, raped his mercy, mocked his patience, and said he isn’t worthy of my priorities. My life. That I want run how I want it — ways that are comfortable and pleasing to me.
But he calls me to a different life.
I choose to reject that and become his bond-servant — choosing to become a slave to righteousness, and dying to sin.
Oh, how Lent is an awesome time of reflection and intercession. (It’s not all about fasting, but if you do, that’s cool. As long as it doesn’t replace the reflection and intercession, which is the important part.)

To abruptly wrap this up,
Pray for me as I continue to fight the battle for the mind, and seek God’s love and wisdom to properly go about reaching out to others and radiating Christ appropriatly, surrendering myself and my wants to God’s plan, in his way and his timing. (See Aaron Shust song below.)

More later.

_______________________________________________________
_______________________________________________________

and I’ll end with some lyrics relevant to these topics (would a blog of mine be complete without it?):

And this is how it feels when I ignore the words you spoke to me
And this is where I lose myself when I keep running away from you
And this is who I am when, when I don’t know myself anymore
And this is what I choose when it’s all left up to me

And this is how it looks when I am standing on the edge
And this is how I break apart when I finally hit the ground
And this is how it hurts when I pretend I don’t feel any pain
And this is how I disappear when I throw myself away

Breathe your life into me
I can feel you
I’m falling, falling faster
Breathe your life into me
I still need you
I’m falling, falling
Breathe into me
Breathe into me..
“Breathe into Me” – RED

——————————————————

Enemy
Familiar friend
My beginning and my end
Knowing truth
Whispering lies
And it hurts again

What I fear
And what I try
The words I say and what I hide
All the pain
I want it to end
But I want it again

And it finds me
The fight inside is
Coursing through my veins
And it’s raging
The fight inside
Is breaking me again

Still the same
Pursuing pain
Is it worth all I have gained
We both know
How this will end
But I do it again

And it finds me
The fight inside is
Coursing through my veins
And it’s raging
The fight inside
Is hurting me again
And it finds me
The war within me
Pulls me under
And without You
The fight inside
Is breaking me again

It’s nothing
It’s everything!

“Fight Inside” – RED

——————————————————–

Search my heart, search my mind, search my soul
Make me clean, make me new, make me whole

All of my plans, all of my dreams
I lay them down before Your feet
All of my time, all that was mine
I now submit to Your design
‘Cause You are the One and the only One who dared
To give it all away for me

You are my strength, You are my God, You are my King
You make me laugh, You make me dance, You make me sing

All of my plans, all of my dreams
I lay them down before Your feet
All of my time, all that was mine
I now submit to Your design
‘Cause You are the One who can make my life complete
You are the One who can give light to my feet
You are the One and the only One who dared
To give it all away for me

Everything inside, everything outside,
I give it all away
You never change
But you rearrange my heart more everyday

“Give It All Away” – Aaron Shust

Plus, I haven’t blogged in FOREVER.  and I thought it wouldn’t hurt to start fresh.  So here it is.

Expect a new blog soon, after I figure out how to customize this and make it look good.

Till then.